Having to be "The Bad Guy"...
I always had to be the one who did the "confrontational" things...
- Is your spouse willing to allow your child to be bullied at school and they say nothing, so then you have to?
- Is someone taking advantage of your finances and they won't say anything, so then you have to?
- Do you have friends who constantly cause drama that you're tired of, but they say nothing to back you up?
- Is their family disrespecting you and they won't stand up for you, so you have to do it?
- THESE ARE ALL SIGNS OF COVERT ABUSE. PERIOD.
When it came to things that meant having to be confrontational, my ex-husband was NOT going to do it. So when our youngest son was being bullied in school, he did NOTHING. When his previous wife would make careless choices for their son, he said NOTHING. This was often the case in many of life's challenges. When it came to addressing issues that needed attention and might require calling some people out on their behavior - he was not going to do it.
I was always the one who had to:
- Advocate for our boys
- Speak up on our behalf when needed
- Initiate hard conversations with people in charge
- Make the phone calls for appointments
I never really understood why he wouldn't get involved when it came to standing up for us, our boys, or other 'hard' things. At least not until I understood who he really was...
You see - people with covert abusive traits (covert narcissists) don't like to look like the bad guy. They always want to be liked - to be seen as the good guy. You know... the one who doesn't piss other people off - even when it's necessary to stand their ground for those they say they love. They'd sacrifice their own family's well-being before they'd stand up to someone treating them poorly. Now that is disgusting. It's not anything to do with a "I don't like confrontation" situation. It's a "I don't want to risk not being liked." (Side note: We really do need to normalize standing up for ourselves, our kids, our families - because boundaries are constantly pushed too far and society is trying to tell us differently.)
Does any of this sound familiar in your household?
