Waking Up...

I remember the day that I'd had enough...

Woman sitting on a wooden dock, head in hands, overlooking water at sunset.

He had been on a business trip and I was home with our youngest son.  I had spent some time hanging out on our deck (one of my happy places in our home) having a glass of wine and playing on my phone.  When I turned in for the night, I didn't realize that I had left my phone on the deck until I woke up in the night and looked to see what time it was.  So I had to disarm the home security system and go outside to get my phone.  I had also thought I heard our dog in the basement, so had gone down to check things out.  Little did I know he was going to come home and comb over every logged event on the security system...


That's when the bombardment of questions came - again.


"Why did you disarm the alarm and go outside at 1:27am?"

"Why was there motion detected in the basement around that same time?"

"What were you doing up at that time anyway?"


It went on and on, and I was sick of having to explain my every damn move in my own home (and outside the home).  This was a behavior that was constantly on repeat - and to this day I still feel like I have to over-explain myself at times.  It was within a month from that time that I moved out with nothing but the spare TV with a broken screen, and my very old bed that was in the spare bedroom.  We lived in a 3,500 square foot home - but that's all I got to take.


Fast forward from that moment to a year later and I truly realized the MAGNITUDE of what had really been going on in my 15 year marriage to him.  I learned he had very strong traits of covert narcissism (I now see it runs in his family) - I didn't even know that was a thing. I can't even remember how I came across the term, but it nailed down and validated soooo many things I had experienced and feelings I had felt.  I was completely lost and struggled with the reality of it all while nobody believed my side of the story, he moved on with someone new, and then remarried within a year of our divorce (which was less than a year of dating her).  I could've predicted his behavior if I'd have known then what I know now.  They never change and they're not original... He did the same routine with me.


I have since discovered a lot, learned a lot, and grown A LOT (I didn't realize how stunted he had kept me, but now know that's what emotionally immature people do - they keep you trapped in a very unhealthy mindset).  I went through it all while watching him repeat the same stuff with someone else, and while seeing people think he was such an awesome guy.  I wanted to warn her, but I knew she wouldn't believe me.  He'd already pegged me as "the crazy ex" to secure that he was the victim.  Honestly, my behavior in the years before we divorced could be defined as "crazy" at times because I had behaved in ways that I'd never imagined I was even capable of.  I now realize that it was my response and reaction to the abuse.  I was maxed out but didn't know WHY.  Never have I behaved that way since - and it's been 8 years since we separated (7 years since we divorced).


This is just a very tiny peek into the years of that marriage, divorce, and healing.  I'm honestly surprised I survived it because there was a time that I prayed for death.  Yes - I honestly prayed that God would not let me wake up the next day.  I wasn't bold enough to do it myself, but I was ok with God making that choice for me.  I guess He thought different - and now I know at least one reason why I was meant to stick around.



Hello friend. :) You're not alone, even if your friends/family make you feel that way.  Not everyone will get it, but it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  It's time to stop the cycle and learn to love yourself without needing the validation of your worth from others.